The Stay-At-Home Mom Fantasy vs. The Reality

A few years ago, I was sitting in a job I absolutely hated. So, like I intermittently did throughout the day, I daydreamed about a life I wanted. I escaped in my brain to what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom through a dream-like state of mind.

I thought to myself - there is so much I could do being at home with a baby. I could have the constant freedom of making my own schedule. I would always have time to make any meal I wanted, go on car trips, take stroller walks with my favourite music, sing and dance with my children, and pursue hobbies that I don't have time to do when I'm working at this job.

I could basically be on vacation.

I would see moms with their children walking by, and I thought to myself - "It must be so easy for them. All they have to do is be with their children all day. That isn't even hard."

Now, let's fast forward to today.

I realized... it's not a vacation.

You don't really have constant "freedom" to make your own schedule. It's more like constantly scheduling your life around your children's schedule or needs. What you need to be is self-motivated (which is harder than it looks) and intentional about creating a schedule that balances both YOU and your child.

Some days, you have the time and energy to make a good meal. But some days, you just don't. Some days, you are tired from not sleeping well the night before, and you are on your last bit of patience by the time supper comes around because your child decided to be in a mood today.

Yes, you can go on car trips, but be prepared to not always have the most convenient places to change diapers other than dirty change tables in public bathrooms. There is also the back of your vehicle, but you almost break your back doing it. It seems like increasingly the world isn't built for children.

Pursuing hobbies? Well, I suppose you could. But you have to maybe pick your favourite top two hobbies because you won't have time to pursue them all. It is really dependent on your child's nap time and the length of those naps. For example, right now I am writing - which is one of my favourite hobbies - but who knows how much time I will have before I hear a little voice calling for me.

But at least you can go for stroller walks with your favourite music plugged in and sing and dance with your child... at least there is that.

Okay, I know this all sounds like ungrateful complaining.

But how many times have you done this to yourself?

Always wishing to escape whatever current uncomfortable season of your life, only to finally get there and realize that it has its own storms too?

When I was about 6 months postpartum, I worked through a course called "Becoming Mom" by Dr. Caroline Dickens.

She talked about how you can have two contradictory feelings at the same time. For example: "I love hugging my baby so much, but I also love being away from them." Which is surprisingly normal.

She also talked about how all of these things you used to do in life, like going to the grocery store and going on road trips (which used to be effortless), can still be done.

But imagine those things being a swamp you need to "wade through." Are you willing to wade through that swamp, get to the other side, and feel accomplished? Or do you want to just stay home throw in the towel and not bother?

It's all simply a choice.

I sat and played the victim when I was in a job I hated and wanted to escape. And from time to time, I still feel that way now.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a career chick. And I suppose, I could - sort've.

But then I realize... it's all the same. There were swamps I had to wade through then, just like there are swamps I have to wade through now.

But the difference is, motherhood has changed me in ways I never expected.

Becoming a mom has forced me to let go of control more than anything else ever has. Before having a child, I could plan my day, make a goal, and usually accomplish what I set out to do. Now? I have learned that sometimes the plans don't matter. Sometimes the nap doesn't happen. Sometimes the schedule gets thrown out the window. Sometimes you have to surrender your expectations and just embrace the moment you are in.

And honestly, there is something beautiful about that.

Motherhood has also given me a different perspective on the selfish problems I used to think were so big. I remember sitting at my job that I hated, feeling like I was trapped and desperately wanting to escape. And while those feelings were real and difficult, becoming a mom has shown me that so many of the things I used to stress about were much smaller than I realized.

The things that once consumed my thoughts don't seem as important anymore. I have learned that life is bigger than my career, my productivity, or checking everything off my to-do list. (Even though there is a big part of me that still loves that)

I am learning patience. I am learning humility. I am learning how to love someone so deeply that my own comfort becomes less important.

And maybe that is one of the biggest surprises of motherhood.

Ironically, I thought becoming a stay-at-home mom would give me more freedom.

Instead, it has taught me surrender.

I thought it would make my life easier.

Instead, it has made me stronger.

The season changes, but the struggle doesn't disappear. The challenges just look different.

Maybe the goal isn't to find a season of life without swamps. Maybe the goal is to stop wishing ourselves out of the one we are currently in and learn how to wade through it. It's possible to have moments where you wonder - "what did I get myself into?" while also not having any regrets.

Because there is something beautiful waiting on the other side of every swamp - even if the journey through it is messy, exhausting, and nothing like the vacation we imagined.