What Actually Matters Before Getting Married (A Pre-Marriage Checklist)

Do you think you know your partner, girlfriend or boyfriend very well and ready for marriage? Or do you believe you may benefit from an easy pre-marriage personality checklist?  If you are recently engaged, or if you just want to know your person (or the person you think is your person) a little better – you may gain value from doing this exercise. I also would like to share why you may be surprised with your results. Some time before 1982 (the year my parents got married). They went to a pastor for marriage counselling. The pastor provided them both with a paper titled “Communication in Marriage – an exercise to help you discover and talk about some ideas, attitudes, and hopes that will influence your marriage.” I am actually not sure who created this “exercise” but my Mom and Dad had a bit of fun doing it. For about five months in 2023 I was engaged before marrying my husband in September 2023. My Mom dug up this pre-marriage personality checklist and decided to give a copy for my now husband and I to try ourselves. I smiled because it looked like it was typed up on a type writer in the 1940s but we decided we would bite. I do believe this can used as a “healthy marriage checklist” and could be used after you are married.

Here is the exact exercise (as written on the paper) below:

We all enter marriage with predetermined ideas about men, women, and married life. Complete the exercise by yourself. Then with your partner share lovingly your answers. Later decide if you wish to write out a question or two for a resource person to discuss at a seminar on marriage.

Pre-Marriage Checklist #1. The following is a list of personality characteristics. Write your first initial in front of the words which are frequently characteristic of YOU. Write your fiancé's (spouses or partner) first initial in front of the words that you believe apply to him or her.

Strong:	Generous:	Stubborn:
Romantic:	Ambitious:	Self-centred:
Possessive:	Callous:	Unreasonable:
Irresponsible:	Restricted:	Hardworking:
Loyal:	Petty:	Sports-minded:
Gentle:	Faithful:	Unappreciated:
Lazy:	Pushy:	Inconsistent:
Egotistic:	Logical:	Motherly:
Fun:	Reliable:	Spiritual:
Tender:	Intuitive:	Emotional:
Protective:	Aggressive:	Strong-willed:
Insecure:	Sensitive:	Talkative:
Loving:	Consistent:	Manipulative:
Quiet:	Materialistic:	Non-aggressive:

Pre-Marriage Checklist #2. Go back over each of the words you marked. Put an M after each word you consider typically masculine and an F after each word you consider typically feminine.

Pre-Marriage Checklist #3. Marriage is (check where you agree):

• a 50/50 proposition ____

• outdated ____

• expected ____

• for security ____

• for convenience ____

• for partnership ____

• settling down ____

• a necessity ____

• a home and children ____

• a way to avoid loneliness ____

• for kicks ____

• forever ____

• for happiness ____

• give and take ____

• a risk ____

• an escape ____

• fulfilling ____

• a responsibility ____

• inevitable ____
  

Pre-Marriage Checklist# 4. Check the statements you agree with (at least partially):

• The man is the head of the home; the woman is the heart of the home ____

• Men should be in control of themselves at all times ____

• We have to respect each others privacy ____

• A man and woman should have hobbies ____

• Each of us has to have our own life ____

• Each marriage partner should be free to pursue God in his/her own way ____

• We cannot be too dependent on each other ____

• Compatibility is very important for a successful marriage ____

• Each of us should do our own thing ____

• The primary goal of marriage is to be happy ____

• Both the husband and wife should pursue their own separate interests ____

• Marriage requires compromise ____

• Personal growth and development is what life is all about ____

• Because a man has to devote much of his life to his job, a wife should have a job or other interests to occupy her life until they have children ____
  

5. Additional topics do separately first. Read each other’s responses, then talk over what you have written as a way of discovering more about each other.

• In a marriage, what do you see as the man’s primary responsibilities?

• In a marriage, what do you see as the woman’s primary responsibilities?

• In what ways do you expect your husband (wife) to be different from your father (mother)?

• In what ways do you expect your husband (wife) to be the same as your father (mother)?
  

6. After you have finished this entire exercise you can now switch papers and read each-others’ answers.

The Results

After my husband and I did this exercise we basically just laughed at each others answers. We were both surprised. There were a-lot of personality traits in which I “labelled” him with where he was like “wow, you really think that highly of me?” As well as other traits that he thought “hmm, I thought that was more YOU than me.” Whether that be negative or positive..

You also have to keep in mind this exercise was created some time in the 70s (or possibly earlier) - so it may be a tad outdated. However, I do think it was a beneficial exercise to do with each-other even today. As

stated previously, I do believe this checklist can be done again at any point before or after marriage. * * * "He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord." - Proverbs 18:22