When “Trying” Doesn’t Work – A Lesson On Letting Go

You can probably guess what this is about. When people say, “Oh, that couple is trying right now.” The more I think about this word, the stranger it seems. Why do they even use this term for attempting to conceive a baby? It turns out that for some couples, getting pregnant doesn’t always happen instantly. Is it possible that constantly thinking about how hard you are trying is actually pushing it away? (This idea applies to many aspects of life.) But I know, you are already tired of hearing, “Just let it go and it will happen” and “Just stop worrying about it.” Although well-intentioned, this advice doesn’t always work for your mind (and consequently your body). I understand that some individuals may face physical challenges that prevent conception, but there are also numerous mental factors that we might not be aware of. You’re probably exhausted from questions like, “When is the baby coming?” or “Oh, you’re probably already pregnant, right?” These comments are usually not malicious—people often just want to see your reaction for entertainment. When we began trying, I assumed it would happen quickly. "Doctor Google" essentially told me how I "should" feel, and naturally, I "felt" it—the illusion of "it," that is. But then—it didn’t happen. It was all in my head. I then went on a spree of “things I can do to boost my fertility.” Guess what? That didn’t work either. It was just another obstacle. So I started contemplating worst-case scenarios and researching stories of women who were infertile or struggled for years to conceive. In many cases I discovered, these women shared a common mindset: “We just let it go” or “We stopped expecting it.” We also had a random encounter with a person who said, “It took us five years.” It felt like we were meant to hear that, like a message to calm down and not panic yet. (My husband was telling me the same thing.)

I decided to re-frame “letting go” in my own way. Here are some of the helpful thoughts/actions I set in my mind for the beginning of each new cycle:

"I plan to do everything I possibly can right now before I become busy with children."

"I will imagine a life without children and consider what that lifestyle would be for me."

"I will confront the possibility of not having a child, grieve that idea, and fully accept it."

"I will focus on envisioning what God's plan might be for me. How does God perceive my life concerning family?"

"Each cycle presents an opportunity to be creative and try something new."

"With each cycle, I gain a better understanding of what is happening in my body."

"Every cycle makes me stronger as I learn patience and grace."

"I am grateful to God for a supportive husband who doesn’t worry as much as I do and is willing to wait as long as necessary."

"I don’t need to try hard. I just need to appreciate what I already have and be curious about what comes next."

(As a teacher) – "Perhaps the wonderful children I teach are my version of parenting in this life."

"My relationship with my husband grows stronger and deeper as we navigate this together, and that's quite romantic."

"I’m going to make this a secondary priority and focus primarily on my purpose in life, like being a friend, my career, and building relationships with others."

These were the thoughts I focused on, and as a result, my body followed suit. I am pleased to say that, despite the emotional rollercoaster and the need to rebuild my intentions.

It was a brief rollercoaster.

My heart goes out to women who have tried for many years. You are incredibly strong, much stronger than me. I already felt like giving up after just three months. But perhaps that’s the secret, right?

God has blessed my husband and me with a gift, which we expect to arrive in April 2025. And now, of course, I am worrying about the next thing.