When Trying Harder Wasn't The Answer

You’ve probably heard this phrase before: “Oh, that couple is trying right now.”

The more I think about it, the stranger it seems. Why do we use “trying” to describe attempting to conceive a baby? For some couples, getting pregnant doesn’t happen instantly.

And sometimes, constantly thinking about how hard you’re trying can actually push it away. This idea applies to many areas of life.

I know what you’re thinking: you’re tired of hearing, “Just let it go, and it will happen” or “Stop worrying about it.”  Well-intentioned as that advice is, it doesn’t always work for your mind—or your body.

Of course, some people face physical challenges that make conception difficult, but there are also mental and emotional factors that we might not always recognize.

On top of that, the well-meaning questions from others can be exhausting: “When is the baby coming?” “Oh, you’re probably already pregnant, right?”

Often, these comments aren’t malicious—people are just curious, or sometimes they’re looking for entertainment.

When my husband and I started trying, I assumed it would happen quickly. “Doctor Google” told me how I should feel, and naturally, I “felt” it—the illusion of it, that is. But then…it didn’t happen.

I tried all the things I thought might boost fertility. None of it worked.

I spiraled into worst-case scenarios, reading stories of women who struggled to conceive for years. And in many of those stories, a pattern emerged:

“We just let it go.” “We stopped expecting it.”

We even had a random encounter with a couple who told us, “It took us five years.” It felt like a message: a reminder to calm down and not panic yet. (My husband was reassuring me in the same way.)

I decided to reframe the idea of “letting go” in my own way. Here are some of the thoughts I focused on at the start of each cycle:

• “I plan to do everything I possibly can now before I become busy with children.”

• “I will imagine a life without children and explore what that lifestyle would be for me.”

• “I will confront the possibility of not having a child, grieve it, and fully accept it.”

• “I will focus on envisioning what God’s plan might be for me and my family.”

• “Each cycle presents an opportunity to be creative and try something new.”

• “With each cycle, I gain a better understanding of my body and my emotions.”

• “Every cycle makes me stronger as I learn patience and grace.”

• “I am grateful for a supportive husband who doesn’t worry as much as I do and is willing to wait as long as necessary.”

• “I don’t need to try hard. I just need to appreciate what I already have and remain curious about what comes next.”

• (As a teacher) “Perhaps the wonderful children I teach are my version of parenting in this life.”

• “My relationship with my husband grows stronger as we navigate this together, and that’s quite romantic.”

• “I will make this a secondary priority and focus primarily on my purpose in life: being a friend, pursuing my career, and building relationships with others.”
  

Focusing on these thoughts gradually shifted my mindset—and my body responded accordingly.

It was a brief emotional rollercoaster, but the lessons I learned were profound.

My heart goes out to women who have been trying for years. You are incredibly strong—much stronger than I felt after just three months. Perhaps that’s the secret: strength grows in the waiting.

God has blessed my husband and me with a gift, which we expect to arrive in April 2025.

And now… naturally, I’m already thinking about the next thing. * * * "Children are an heritage of the Lord: And the fruit of the womb is his reward." - Psalm 127:3