What I've Learned About Red Flags (And Getting Them Wrong)

There’s a growing trend in dating: spotting “red flags” as early as possible.

When I was dating, I was constantly on high alert—waiting for the other shoe to drop, scanning for any sign of trouble.

And yes, there’s truth to that. Some red flags are real. There’s also something to be said for “going with your gut.”

But…

Have there been times when your gut was wrong? When you assumed someone had bad intentions—but they didn’t?

While some people have the gift of discernment, most of us don’t get it right 100% of the time. If we did, life would look very different.

So instead of giving you a checklist to diagnose whether someone is secretly a psychopath, here’s something else to consider:

Six questions to help you decode the “red flags” you’re seeing:

1) What are my red flags?

It’s easy to focus on what’s wrong with the other person. But what happens when you turn that lens inward?

If you were in their position, what red flags might you be giving off?

Have you been fully honest about your wants and needs? Have you been trying to control the situation? Presenting yourself in a certain way? Are you considerate of their needs—or mostly focused on your own?

Every relationship is an opportunity to reflect on yourself, not just evaluate someone else.

2) What am I afraid of?

Sometimes “red flags” are really about control.

We want quick answers about someone’s intentions so we can protect ourselves—maybe even leave before they have the chance to hurt us.

But ask yourself: what’s the worst that could happen?

You give someone the benefit of the doubt, and it doesn’t work out. That’s not ideal—but it’s also not catastrophic.

Of course, if someone clearly shows bad intentions or you’re obviously incompatible, walk away. And it’s wise to set a personal timeline for how long you’re willing to explore something.

But even if you correctly identify a red flag early, it doesn’t actually change the outcome. The relationship will either work—or it won’t.

3) Does this relationship need more time?

Time can reveal what instinct can’t.

I’ve had situations where I suspected someone was lying—and I was right.

But that experience made me hyper-aware of certain behaviors… to the point where I almost misjudged an honest person showing similar traits.

The same behavior can mean very different things in different people.

Sometimes, you have to doubt your doubts.

Ask yourself: do I need more time to see this clearly?

With dishonest people, red flags tend to repeat themselves until you can’t ignore them. With honest people, misunderstandings often resolve over time.

Either way, clarity comes with patience.

4) Is this a pattern in my relationships?

What we call “red flags” are often just patterns.

Are you drawn to the same type of person over and over again? Maybe they’re non-committal, unreliable, or inconsistent—but also charming, funny, and just attentive enough to keep you hooked.

If you keep encountering the same traits, it’s worth asking:

What about this am I attracted to?

That question can be uncomfortable—but it’s also where real insight lives.

5) What would I say if a friend were in my position?

This is a simple thought experiment—but it creates distance and clarity.

If a close friend came to you with this exact situation, would you call these “red flags”?

Better yet, actually talk it through with someone you trust—someone who will be honest with you, not just tell you what you want to hear.

(And yes… that requires being open to hearing things you might not like.)

6) When has my gut been right—and wrong?

Think back on your past.

Write down the times your gut feeling was right. What were the signs?

Then write down the times you misjudged someone.

This is how you build discernment.

Not just spotting bad intentions—but recognizing good ones too. And understanding how you play a role in the dynamic.

Concluding Thoughts

I was inspired to write this after watching a video where someone said: “If you feel bad vibes or someone isn’t making you happy—just walk away.”

I mostly agree. But I’d add this:

There’s a difference between people with bad intentions and people who are simply rough around the edges.

Some people aren’t perfect—but they are genuine.

The key is developing discernment. And that takes time, reflection, and experience.

Yes, it’s valid to walk away from something that clearly isn’t mutual or has no real future.

But I also think people are too quick to label anything uncomfortable as “toxic” or “bad vibes.”

Not everything negative is harmful. Sometimes it’s just unfamiliar. Sometimes it’s a mirror.

Before walking away, take a moment to reflect:

Is this truly unhealthy—or am I contributing to the problem?

Question to ponder for yourself:

How are you supposed to strengthen your discernment without going through some negative experiences? * * * "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." - James 1:5